Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Another Day without Dad

I've been calling Mom every day, sometimes twice a day. She is so lonely, sad, upset, and ANGRY. I'm more a fatalist myself; while I think the heart hospital probably did kill him, I also think that when it's your time to go, it's your time to go. And Dad had a wonderful life, with a wife and children who loved him. Even if he did never get to drive to Alaska or buy that red convertible (although...he COULD have...there were just other things more important, I think...and you have to have dreams no matter what age you are).

Fatalism was the only way I was able to deal with my brother's death at age 14; it was so sudden. It was just Marty's time to go. I would have traded places with him if I could have -- he was Mom's favorite and Mom takes things so hard.

I don't know how Heaven can make up for all the years lost with someone you love. In the time you've been apart, you've grown and changed (and only God knows how we grow and change when we get to Heaven) and had all this time that would have been so lovely to have SHARED with the person who died.

When my son, Gavin, was little, he was scared to die. So I told him how wonderful Heaven is...and he was so entranced by it that he couldn't stand it if I were to die first and do all that stuff without him. So I had to promised I'd sit in the waiting room until he got there. Since he's now a pre-adult at 15, when I brought this up after Dad died, Gavin said "Mom, it's OK. You don't have to wait for me anymore, just be sure to meet me when I get there."

Anyway, I'd bet you anything that Dad's in that waiting room right now, with that red convertible pulled up at the curb, just waiting for Mom. After all, for 51 years she told him what they were going to do...and he LIKED that about her...and also that she could be ready to go in 5 minutes flat, no matter what. Hopefully it will take her a little longer than that -- I'm not ready to lose them both at once.

1 comment:

Rams said...

I'm sorry about your father.
I liked the way you percieve death coz it is the same way my parents also have taught me. When it's the time for a person to leave, he/she has to leave, afterall, world is a stage and all men and women mere actors...